A few years back I had a near death experience.
I think about it sometimes.
It felt like every molecule of my body turned into effervescence and was drifting up into everywhere.
I was no longer a solid human body. I was like flames, dancing energetically without any human limitations. But I was solidly connected to my head and my heart. Those were the spots which acted as a tether to hold me to this form. That and this ridiculous notion that I knew my one true love, and that I needed to join with him at long last!
Ah l'amour! What a farce it can be sometimes when we gaze at it through the filters of our mind and our ego.
Many moons ago I went to Burning Man for the first time. That way of life has been pretty much a lifetyle to me since before I even went there. I ran around in that silly Rennaisance Re-enactment world for nearly 10 years, communing with aliens and faeries in the woods... I discovered the reality of the hocus pocus world way back when I was a teenager frequenting the metaphysical section in the library, or being a regular at the local "witch" store.
When I went to Burning Man, I treated it as a shamanic journey... I knew that it would challenge everything I feared and despised. And of course it did. When the man burned, I circled the fire three times. I am one of those crazy people who can get really close to fire and absorb every bit of heat that wants to burn me. I walk behind the firemen who stand in their fire proof suits. I circled the fire three times and tossed in every love letter I ever received from a lover all rolled up into a scroll. My intention was to release all my attachments.
I went home to Colorado from Burning Man, put all my shit out on the sidewalk, loaded up my car, said godbye to beautiful inspiring Boulder, and drove to LA. I came here because I was drawn by an insatiable urge. I grew up here as a child, and everything that had fundamentally destroyed me started here.
This journey was, in essence, choosing to look straight into the source of my human demise.
Over the next years I made the LA Playa my home. I vowed to release my attachment to everything that would limit my absolute expression of self. I remained homeless and began a professional couch surfing career that has lasted about 5 years.
The next time I went to Burning Man, my intention was to learn to be in the moment. And so my life has become about facing fears, releasing attachments, and living in the moment.
There are no coincidences. For me, my attachments ruled me so completely, I had to face my own death and destruction in order to meet these goals.
Low and behold, my "one true love" could not handle the pressure of being the one who kept me from dying. He did not want that responsibility put on him. I can't say as I blame him for it now. But then, I put so much weight on knowing that he would take care of me and be there for me, that when he didn't, I was devastated to my core. I was almost suicidal. My depression lasted about a year. I could do nothing but drink, smoke cigarettes and wonder why the hell I survived if not for love.

My entire life was based on expectations I had for someone else's responsibily to keep me happy.

What I have learned is that I DID survive for love. I survived to learn to love myself unconditionally. My greatest love of all. To love and BE love. I am an endless wellspring of love because I have discovered the truth. I am one with that effervescent life force we call creation, source, or God. All that has held me in a stasis of fear and limitation is what really died. And it was painful. But as they say, once the baby is born, the woman doesn't even remember the pain of the labour.
I came to this realization in my darkest hour by facing my fears.
And since then I am followed by movie soundtracks and choirs of angels wherever I go. My feet leave star streams as I walk down the street.
The more I surrender to source, the more I am free of these limitations I had built around me from the many years I spent gazing at the world through the filters of all my emotional reactions to traumatic experiences.
I am NOT a victim any longer.
In these times, we are all faced with this challenge! How do we all move into this consciousness together as a culture? This I ask of you all! Do we all need to experience this kind of death in order to be born with new eyes? I hope not.
I love you.
I need nothing in return.
I receive that from my connection to source.
I simply want you to love yourself too.
I can give everything I am to you because I can re-charge myself.
If you don't wish to receive my love that's perfectly okay!
I am still love.

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Comment by Kelly on July 29, 2009 at 4:19pm
That's an amazing and courageous lifestyle you're leading. A near death experience a few years back was also the catalyst for everything I've done since. I do what I do essentially as a hermit in a cave (albeit a cave with DSL). But it's a germination process I expect to explode in an efflorescence of travel...not just for myself, but for many people the work can support.
Comment by Prplpoet18 on June 23, 2009 at 12:12am
Thank you, Ka-Mander Dazzle, for confirmation of the awesome, incredible message that Noel has been downloading to me.
Comment by Dylene Cymraes on June 9, 2009 at 5:18pm
Philip, I really like this...breathing as practice...
Comment by philip on June 9, 2009 at 5:11pm
Been practicing dying after every exhale and creating reality anew... Think the more often we die consciously the closer we get to not forgetting our true identity when we do drop this body...
Comment by Dylene Cymraes on June 9, 2009 at 4:45pm
We tend to run as fast and far as we can from those things that we need to make us grow. I think maybe when we can embrace the wounds as lessons, and let them heal--when we can really truly release attachment (and this lesson gets repeated over and over so we do get it) we start to understand.

The fire changes us all, doesn't it? Its part of the alchemy, I believe. Fires of all types happen, those bidden, those unbidden. They change and free and destroy and liberate...

I think there are many deaths and rebirths. Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about the little deaths and their markers along our life path. The places of necessary death of ideals, loved ones, belongings, lifestyles--

Maybe all transition to the next thing?

Much love and thanks for the thought provoking post. :-)
Comment by Daniel Lee on June 9, 2009 at 3:56pm
Thank you for sharing this beautiful message!... Much love...
Comment by philip on June 8, 2009 at 6:13pm
Digging the love and loving myself more having read this. Thank you!

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